Do You Know The Muffin Man?

Do you know the muffin man? Well, I do and he isn’t the nice amiable fellow he is made out to be in the song. Quite the contrary, he is a shady underworld character pulling the strings of so many peoples’ lives – a veritable godfather of the world of baked goods and sugar highs.

Most folks when asked to envision the muffin man likely see a non-threatening, pleasantly plump, rosy-cheeked, jovial middle-aged man. He seems friendly and welcoming and it is hard to imagine he has any other solution for life’s woes than muffins. Well my friends, this is not who the muffin man is. The muffin man is a dark, seedy, underworld character who wants to make you an offer you can’t refuse.

The muffin man is invested in influencing your behavior and then controlling the industries that benefit from that behavior. You are shocked – I realize that. This is part of the dirty underbelly of society that folks are not often exposed to and it is ugly my friends.

You see the muffin man virtually owns and controls the bulk of the following industries: textile, weight loss, exercise, and airline transportation. Oh yes…it is true. This man is calculating and evil in the comprehensiveness of his approach.

Let me tell you what his dastardly plan is: entice society with tasty baked goods that are basically only a handful in size (they seem innocent enough – how big a calorie commitment can an innocent muffin be?); normalize this item as both a breakfast and dessert item; enlarge the muffins incrementally over time; and create an expansive variety to ensure you attract as many folks as possible.

Once society was under his control and on the gain from his seemingly innocent muffins he just sat back and raked in the money. He invested in textiles because he knew that as folks got larger so too would textile purchases. Who wants to sell fabric for a bunch of size 2s when you can sell 10 times as much for size 22s?

He invested in the weight loss and exercise industries because he knew that some folks would object after awhile to the creeping weight gain and he wanted to also benefit from those who were trying to move away from muffins. In this industry he created diet food, but he was so diabolical that he made sure that the diet muffins tasted horrible to ensure that his control over the public’s taste buds continued.

And finally he invested in airline transportation. He saw to it that under the guise of expenses and a notion of fairness airline seats were narrowed and policies were changed regarding the purchase of seats based on an individual’s size. Over the years he has managed to increase his profit tenfold as more people have been forced to pay for two seats on the plane instead of one.

Yes, I know the muffin man and I am not afraid to expose his evil plan. The days of him sabotaging society with delicious tidbits designed to fatten us up while his wallet is likewise being fattened are over. You can’t silence me anymore with your delectable offerings muffin man – I can refuse your offer (most days at least).

The next time someone asks you, “Do you know the muffin man?” tell them what I have told you here…his reign of terror must end, one muffin eater at a time.

Day twenty-seven of the new forty – obla di obla da


5 Responses

  1. PrairieWoman

    I’ve got nothing on you when it comes to writing. You are leaps and bounds ahead of me. Looking forward to more of your posts.

  2. noah

    nice story but “size 2s when you can sell 10 times as much for size 22s?” your a smart woman and i want you to do a correct your math 2X10 is 20 not 22 and 50 is not 29 so stop it 🙂

  3. invadecanada

    world domantion is the only true course of any ture fat jolly man look at santa he bribes the youth of the world to indoctrinate them from birth to worship him so when he comes to power —–wait a minute im as crazy as you now ——-

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