I seem to have lost my wits. I recognize that the loss is a result of too many things going on at the same time; however, that recognition does not aid me in my dilemma. You see, to accomplish all the things I have going on at the same time I need my wits about me. Alas, they are lost when I arguably need them the most.
I do not have the wherewithal to search for my wits because one needs their wits about them to do so; hence, a reward is offered. The amount of the award is unspecified as it will depend on the condition in which my wits are delivered back to me. Used, abused and frazzled wits are not as valuable upon their return as those that have been retuned, refocused and refreshed.
Someone suggested that my wits were not really lost but merely misplaced. I think that is purely a matter of semantics…whether they are misplaced or lost they are not with me. Misplaced wits are no less dramatic than lost wits – wits are required for intelligent thought and action and it matters not whether they are under a couch cushion or left on a counter at the local grocery store – they are still not where they belong – with you.
So, the reward is out there. The reward poster is below. You can see from the blank stare that I am witless. I cannot be allowed out in public in this state without a chaperone. In the past when I have lost my wits all kinds of dramatic things have happened – marriage, big life decisions, major shopping expeditions, commitments to seemingly great ideas – no, no, no…I cannot be let out into the world without supervision in this state.
This is a dire situation. I am scheduled to be out at the Emergency Management Institute in Maryland next week helping with course development. Wits are a pre-requisite for this activity. Indeed, I cannot imagine that the airline will even allow me to board the plane without them. It could be that I am perceived to be a risk to national security without my wits. The witless are a danger to themselves to be sure…could they also be considered a danger to others?
Last night before it was officially noted that my wits were lost I could be observed wandering around Menard’s looking at light fixtures, flooring, cabinetry and paint. Thank heavens I was called home before I could do any real damage to my bank account and already impacted schedule. Who knows what color my walls or carpet would be today had the call from home not intervened. This is no small problem. This is serious.
YOUR ASSISTANCE IS NEEDED. If you have any information about the whereabouts of my wits please call 1-800-CLU-LESS. Any information about where they might be found will be sincerely appreciated.
Day eighty-nine of the new forty – obla di obla da