Okay, so I was shopping one of the fab holiday sales online the other day and ran across the above leggings in the clearance section. These are “Candies ruched python leggings” and believe it or not were reduced from an original price of $28 to a mere $8.40.
Now, you likely don’t need me to point out why these are all wrong for the vast majority of womankind, but let me give you a synopsis nonetheless:
~Shiny gold fabric is not slimming;
~Of all the animals to emulate with your sexy self – a python is probably not one of them;
~They are LEGGINGS – all owners of real hips, thighs and butts need not apply; and,
~They get thinner as they go down and are ruched at the ankle – if you are trying to hide bulk at the ankles then ankle ruching is the way to go…otherwise – move on.
Now, here is where my morbid curiosity comes in. How many poor unsuspecting women will receive this lovely item as a gift from a boyfriend/partner/husband because their boyfriend/partner/husband looked at these and thought they were sexy?? You’ll note they aren’t even displayed on a real model. Oh no, they are on a half of a mannequin whose dimensions I fear may not adequately represent the realities of real life women. Even on the mannequin look how they cling…they are like tights.
I have received gifts like this many a time from well-intentioned boyfriends/partners/husbands that believed and said (out loud) that I looked good in anything. Bless the rose-colored glasses that sometimes come with love and affection. The reality is that they thought such gifts suited me. I have not received gold lame python pants yet, but they aren’t far off from other gifts that I have received when old boyfriends/partners/husbands were thinking of me in more a naughty than a nice way.
I really should not even be blogging about this lest I tempt fate. These are, after all, still available conveniently online and there is still a chance that I may receive them as a gift. Then I will have to wear them, at least once, somewhere (if you see me in Walmart wearing these be kind and look away). Of course, on me they wouldn’t look like they do in the photo. Oh no…on the mannequin those leggings attempt to mimic the look of a python’s skin while it is still on the snake. If I were to wear these it would look more like the python’s shedded skin – decidedly less attractive to be sure and a lot more stretched out.
Let’s hope my husband is thinking about me in a nice way and not in a naughty way this year otherwise even pythons may take umbrage. And that is all I need to do – disgrace the python community with my gold lame python pants. It is a sad commentary when even the reptiles don’t want to be seen with you.
Day one hundred and forty-seven of the new forty – obla di obla da