I saw in The Forum the other day an article about a Bismarck underwear thief being sentenced to three years in prison for possessing more than 100 pairs of women’s and children’s underwear (apparently the children’s underwear part was an accident – according to the 23 year old who committed the crime it’s the women’s underwear that he was after). Apparently this wasn’t this fellow’s first run-in with the law in regard to underwear theft. In the past he was convicted of stealing his neighbor’s underwear.
Hmmmm…this brings up a number of thoughts in my mind. First of all, prison time…I guess underwear theft is some sort of sex crime as otherwise it wouldn’t warrant three years in prison…or that was some pretty darn expensive underwear and it qualified as a grand theft as opposed to a petty theft. I guess that isn’t too big a stretch though as grand theft typically only requires that the amount be over $500-$1,000 dollars depending on the state…and let’s face it, underwear is not cheap – at least the underwear worth stealing and doing jail time for isn’t.
Second, doesn’t this guy know he can buy used underwear on eBay? Why go to all the trouble of stealing it when you can purchase it outright? For heaven sakes, by the time he pays his defense attorney and loses three years of his life in prison he could have purchased a massive amount of theoretically very nice used underwear (and I say theoretically as I am not sure how one goes about gauging the value of used underwear from this fellow’s perspective). He could have stuffed his mattress, made nice draperies, covered his chair cushions, made lamp shades, and so on and so forth with his legitimately acquired used underwear and been in used underwear heaven.
Now this fellow will spend his next three years in a prison where, of the many things he will see, used women’s underwear is not likely one of them. In addition, I am not so sure this little prison stint is going to make him desire the possession of women’s used underwear any less…indeed, he may be even more inclined to pursue them after three years without a woman or her underwear in sight. If I were his parole officer I would encourage him to confine his future used underwear collection to those panties he acquired on eBay. It does add all new meaning to those emails eBay sends at the end of auctions announcing, "You Won!"…yep, that may be the only way this fellow ever can be termed a "winner".
Day three hundred and sixty-three of the new forty – obla di obla da