After reviewing my email today I am singing to myself a line from Fleetwood Mac’s song Little Lies – “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.” It all started with the following email subject line from Shape FX:
Get Toned, Flawless Legs Now In Our Push-Up Leggings!
Okay then…so you are saying that I can get toned, flawless legs by virtue of wearing your push-up leggings; but, don’t you mean to say that my legs will look toned and flawless in your push-up leggings? I have heard some fabulous claims about what clothing can do for you, but can it both tone and remove flaws? I don’t think so.
I am not a fan of leggings. I have committed that fashion crime in the past and I long ago vowed to never re-offend. Darn it though – that horrid fashion trend will not die. My friend Mary says they are fab because they hide many sins, but I think they show more sins than they ever hide. Leggings are quite a challenge to pull off if you are anything but tall and thin – or at least that is what I now believe to be true as a reformed legging wearer.
Yet Shape FX is going to tell me - a staunch advocate for a complete ban on leggings – that they are going to remake me with one pair of push-up leggings…what the hell are they thinking? Clearly, they have never read my blog or heard of my fashion crime spree…clearly they believe that I learned nothing from my past mistakes. There is a learning curve here Shape FX…come on, give me some credit!
Of course, as is typical when I get these types of email I feel compelled to open them to see the photo of the item they are referencing. I thought it instructive to share here.
Note the model’s toned and flawless “looking” legs…and don’t let the fact that she is tall and thin escape you either. Whatever Shape FX…go ahead and tell me sweet little lies…I won’t be swayed. I have done my time and if there is one thing I know for sure – leggings are not my friend no matter how much spandex you put in them or how many sins they promise to cover.
And so you know Shape FX, by peddling these things to poor unsuspecting women you are an accessory to heaven knows how many crimes of fashion. Don’t be one bit surprised if the FBI (Fashion Bureau of Intelligence) raids your warehouse one day, confiscates all those horrible leggings and sends you to prison. Of course, they likely will have to isolate you from the other fashion criminals as there is no criminal as low as a joyful manufacturer who dupes womankind into a life of fashion crimes for his or her own gain. There is still time to repent – there is life after leggings – eventually you will learn to go on without them and you will realize how far off track you were in believing that they could tone folks’ legs and hide their flaws. Please stop now – before anyone else gets hurt.
Day six hundred and twenty-eight of the new forty – obla di obla da