I must issue a warning at the outset: TODAY’S BLOG ENTRY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. It will address an issue that is of specific understanding to women in the new forty and I fear it will quickly devolve into a rant. HENCE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
My daughter Sarah told me I shouldn’t write about this – that it was TMI (too much information) and something I should keep to myself, but I do believe I will implode if I do not get this off my chest. Some things are just toxic to the system if you do not get them out. Plus, I want to give a shout out to other women who will, have, or are presently fortunate enough to experience the same things I presently am. If it wasn’t for the gracious sharing of past experiences and a generous helping of commisseration from my friends I would have likely already lost my mind or been incarcerated. So I share – perhaps too much – in the hope that it helps someone else to know that they are not alone (and also so I don’t implode).
So here it is:
I AM WILLING TO DONATE MY ORGANS – starting immediately with my female reproductive parts – a package deal – FOR FREE. I am going to list them on Craig’s List just as soon as I am done writing this blog.
I say this because I am OVER perimenopause (which, for those of you who have wandered into this rant unarmed, is the life phase when your body starts to wind up its reproductive business and move toward that blissful state of 12 months menstruation-free at which point you officially arrive at menopause – and yes, there are angels singing and a bright stream of sunlight to greet you). Perimenopause is the time of hot flashes, a mind full of mush (you are reduced to the mental capacity of a poliwog), and “endearing” body changes.
It is often referred to as the Change of Life. Perhaps it should be more appropriately called the Walking Dead – as even though you are not a zombie technically – you do wonder if something has eaten away your brain and taken control of your body. There was a time when I very much looked forward to perimenopause. The thought of being free of life’s monthly punctuation had long been alluring to me. That was before I knew the reality of the situation. The reality of the situation is that during perimenopause you could go months without having any punctuation whatsoever, and then WHAM! you get hit with a type of punctuation you have never experienced before – so much more than run-of-the-mill punctuation - oh no, now you are faced with a big, bold exclamtion point !
I had heard stories about this type of thing, but I assumed it wouldn’t happen to me…not in the same horrific way others had experienced it. But when Christmas came around this year and unfolded into 2012 and I was in the throes of a punctuation event the likes of which can only be compared to the exclamatory emphasis that a high school English student who has a flair for the dramatic would utilize – !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – I was fairly sure that some of my organs were going to drop unceremoniously out of my body whenever I stood up. To describe the experience eloquently and appropriately – IT SUCKED.
After two weeks of excessive punctuation that brought very little holiday cheer with it, I was fairly sure that my days of dealing with life’s punctuation were surely over after that dramatic last hurrah…I rationalized that at least there was that. I figured I could calendar my official “Welcome to Menopause” party for January 2013. I had the party decor picked out and the guest list was already underway.
But au contraire, not so fast. Lo and behold, my days of punctuation are not over. Apparently the exclamation event that I viewed as a last hurrah was nothing of the sort. It appears to have been more of a “I’m back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” than a ”So long!”
I must say, I am bitter about this.
So, I have a little punctuation of my own to share with the universe on this front regarding life’s punctuation. It may not be as rythmic or reliable as life’s punctuation, but is definitely as functional as life’s punctuation.
How’s that for punctuation, eh? That is what I think of this lingering perimenopause punctuation. And…NO!!!!! I AM NOT BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL, NOR AM I MENTALLY DISTRAUGHT!!!!! I AM FINE!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME??? JUST FINE!!!!!!
Perhaps I can have my menopause party in March 2013…pencil me in…and make sure there is cake – plenty of it. Hopefully, I’ll be working on my menopot in earnest by then and the only punctuation I’ll be concerned with is the question mark that follows my Google query – Menopause moustache?
Oh yes, TMI on the Change of Life - welcome to my world in the new forty. Thank goodness I can laugh about it (in a maniacal, please put me in a padded room, kind of way). I hope those of you out there who can commisserate will keep laughing through it as well…just remember, there is cake and a party at the end…and as for party games – well perhaps we can have prizes for whoever has the best menopot and moustache. Damn, my life is sexy.
Day nine hundred and forty-three of the new forty – obla di obla da