I am not exactly sure when it became my regular habit to check the weekly Menards ad, but suffice to say it has been going on for a few years now. I realize that the pairing of me and Menards is probably an unlikely one in most folks’ minds. I am not at all personally handy, nor do I have any desire to become handy. But I do have a home and a son-in-law and boyfriend who are both handy and who spend copius amounts of time in Menards – so as far as retail affiliations go I am at least not all the way out in left field.
I watch the sales patterns at Menards and I love to do their rebates. I am fairly sure I am in the area’s top twenty when it comes to cashing in on Menards’ rebates. I say this with pride as it is those rebate checks that I use to justify my frequent trips to Menards. I have rationalized that the money I have saved allows me to spend more. I completely overlook the concept that I could just save that money and move on. I have become a Sarah Winchester of sorts (the woman who kept building and remodeling that odd mansion in San Jose, California until her death to ward off the evil spirits). The differences are my house isn’t a mansion and I am not warding off evil spirits – I just watch too much HGTV and now have a handyman at the ready (a.k.a. Mike).
At any rate, I digress. The point I wanted to make was that I read the Menards ad, and the reason I wanted to make that point was because I wanted to tell you about an interesting thing in it. Sometimes I take the long rambling road to get where I am going…okay, more often than not I take the long rambling road – whatever.
So the ad – here is what was in it – a face clamp. The face clamp was free with the purchase of some other tool that was more expensive. But according to the ad, there was a limit of one free face clamp per guest. I have to tell you, this immediately amused me.
The face clamp is just a fairly non-descript clamp, but with its name it caused me to think about where I would place my face clamp if I had one. After all, clamps are used to secure something in place and a free clamp that could secure my face gave me visions of a facelift via Menards. But where to put a single clamp (remember, one per person)…I couldn’t just put it on side or the other as the difference in the tautness of the skin would be too noticeable. Oh sure, the clamp sticking out would be noticeable too – pish posh, that is the least of my worries with only one clamp. I thought about this long and hard and concluded that the place for one clamp would be at the top of the back of my neck where it would create a much tighter jaw line. Then all I need to do is wear a bulky scarf and rat out my hair and no one will even see the clamp. Do I know how to use my free face clamp or what??!!
Oh sure, I know a face clamp isn’t really for faces, but my mind, like this blog, often takes the long rambling road. This will explain why you may see me smiling at a face clamp or some other innocuous thing in Menards on any given day - it is a clear indication that I have mentally digressed. It is a special little world I live in, and yes, the roads – they ramble.
Day one thousand two hundred and fifty-nine of the new forty – obla di obla da