I find it amazing how quietly Mike can move about the house. All too frequently he ends up right next to me and startles me because I never saw or heard him coming. I know what you are thinking. The man is 6’3″ – he is hard to miss – hence, the person being startled time and time again must be a little bit blind, a little bit deaf, or a little bit of both.
This isn’t a problem with me…I don’t sneak up on folks. When I don’t have clickety-clack heels or jangly jewelry on that forewarns others I am approaching, I typically give my impending approach away because I am mumbling under my breath to myself (I thank my former graduate assistant Jeanine for teaching me to talk to myself and for convincing me it is a perfectly normal thing to do – it’s not normal Jeanine – but thanks). As far as being visually stealth – that likely requires some grace and speed that I do not possess. Alas, I am not capable of surprise appearances that catch someone off-guard. My appearances are announced by either the noise that precedes me or by my inability to glide places unnoticed.
But not Mike. He has a way of just showing up behind me or next to me unexpectedly. This always elicits a startled gasp from me and typically is accompanied by a lovely exclamation that includes in some way, shape or form the acknowledgement – “You scared the sh*t out of me!” And every single time he just looks at me like I am a fruit loop. He can’t ever fully grasp my reaction. He doesn’t understand how it is that I can be surprised when I know he is out and about in the house. By his estimation I should expect him to pop up at any given moment.
You can probably guess by the ease with which I am startled that I do not watch horror films where scary or bad people pop out from around the corner or sneak up behind unsuspecting folks. Nor do I go to haunted houses where the whole point is to scare the living daylights out of folks by jumping out and grabbing them. No thank you. I have one big man that wanders around the house quietly and that is quite enough for me.
After Mike came up upon me today and startled me, it occurred to me that I needed to get something on him that would forewarn me of his arrival. Bells perhaps? Yes…boyfriend bells…maybe a bracelet or something. Something that would give my brain a few seconds to register that he is coming.
I found this bell bracelet on Etsy. It is only $8.00. It is shipped from Thailand so it takes a few weeks to arrive, but I am fairly sure it would be worth the wait. The only challenge I envision is getting Mike to wear it – he doesn’t really strike me as the bell-bracelet-wearing type. And even if he does agree to wear it I am sure it will come with constant complaint…but at least then I would hear him coming – if not by bell, then by the grumbling under his breath.
Alright, I guess the bell bracelet is ill-advised. Perhaps I can get Jeanine to teach him to talk to himself and to convince him too that it is normal. But then again, what is worse – being startled here and there or a man constantly walking about having a dialogue with himself? I am thinking there must be a limit per household on crazy people who conduct one-sided conversations – we have met our quota here.
I’ll have to reflect on this problem. I am sure there are solutions that are not presently coming to mind. Solutions that will spare my nerves and Mike’s dignity…solutions that are easily implemented. Yeah…if you have any ideas dear readers, please let me know…but don’t sneak up on me.
Day one thousand three hundred and twenty-seven of the new forty – obla di obla da