Apparently, The Days Of Gym Socks Are Over…

It doesn’t take much to amuse me most days.  Simple things amuse simple minds.  Some of the things I find amusing I think would be generally amusing to most folks, but others may be amusing based on my contorted little brain.  I recognize that in this way I am odder than some (or perhaps, most?).

I am not exactly sure where this entry sits, but I suspect most folks have merely given it a glance and moved on without any additional thought.  Ah, but not me.  I felt compelled to take a photo of it with my phone while in the Dollar Discount checkout line.  No one was paying any attention to it until after I did that.  Of course, the fact that I leaned in to take a photo of it with a self-amused grin wasn’t lost on folks.  Then I noted others looking at it and me with a puzzled look…okay then – odder than most.  Here is what amused me at the dollar store.

Ah, Pump It UP bra pads – what amusement you provided my simple mind.  Where to begin?

I’ll start with the fact that they are at the dollar store.  Apparently, they did not resonate in the marketplace as the manufacturer thought they might and a decision was made to sell the remaining product to the Dollar Discount chain.  They cannot have been that inexpensive to make, package, or distribute.  They have their own pump built-in for heaven’s sake – these are not just mini-balloons to squish into your bra to add volume…these are a product specifically engineered for this use.  Some thought has gone into this.  You can go from 1/2 a cup size larger to a full two cup sizes larger.  Plus, they are comfortable and non-slip (can you say market research and testing?).  I imagine the folks who designed these little gems are woefully disappointed that they have landed at the Dollar Discount store.

But, having said the above, I totally get why this had problems and I can envision a whole series of Saturday Night Live sketches based on the potential humor an over-inflating, unexpected deflating, explosion, or stress tear would provide. Seriously folks, think about any one of the below scenarios and tell me that you could suppress a laugh (even if you did feel for the poor people involved).

Imagine if someone firmly hugs a woman wearing Pump It UP bra pads and triggers the pump action in one or more of her bra pads.  In a best case scenario,  those B cups that were B+ cups are now both moving toward becoming D cups.  That might be uncomfortable, start to stress her bra capacity, and become noticeable, but at least there would be symmetry.  In a worst case scenario, she now has a mismatched set – one B+ and a D – that is something that would definitely catch a few folks’ attention.

Even worse, what if a hug was so intense that the bra pads popped?  Ouch!  And I say that based on the physical pain and the pain your psyche would have to endure having experienced that in public.  Can you imagine if that happened to you – how horrified would you be?  What if you were the hugger?  Is there a graceful exit strategy from that situation?

What if you suffered a deflation on one or both sides while you were in the middle of doing something public – how does one deal with such a situation?  Do you cross your arms in front of your chest and hold on for dear life?  Plus, would such a deflation cause such a gap  in the bra area that the pad might actually fall out of your clothing and hit the floor?  Can you imagine trying to explain that?  I can see myself being forced into telling folks that I almost drowned as a child and now have these devices on my body at all times as therapeutic floaties just to allow me to move about near water of any depth without having an anxiety attack.  Sure, it would be a TOTAL lie, but the alternative would be what –  embrace my inflatable bra pad?  No thanks…I’ll embrace my crazy instead, thank you.

Then there is the potential for a stress tear and a slow leak that can be heard across a room – similar to the air leaving a balloon.  I could smile continuously for weeks just thinking about the humor I see it that situation.

Of course there are other problems with this product as well.  Simple problems, such as  one should never leave home without a back-up set of pads.  Perhaps that is just the emergency management persona in me, but I would want a back-up with me at all times.

Then there is the awkward situation should you become intimate with someone – where do you ditch the pads and how do you explain a two cup size reduction?  Is that false advertising?  And is it fair to get irritated when someone asks you what happened to the D cup diva they were looking forward to getting to know better? What if a man were to wear a similar product that made him look like he was more endowed than he actually was?  Would that be an issue?  What if he said, “It makes me look better in clothes?”

Of course, these days breast augmentation surgery has become much more commonplace and those who covet pads can have them permanently inserted and stay forever perky.  This is obviously not a low cost option, but it is an option that has become much more socially accepted by society.

Albeit, the problem that likely killed the product’s viability was not all the things I amuse myself thinking out loud about above, but instead the reality that bras are expensive.  To go up a cup size with any kind of bra pads (inflatable, silicone or foam), you need to have a bigger bra.  Plus, these days you can buy any number of push-up bras that have the pads firmly in place that make you look like you have larger breasts than you do.  Some will even push them together so far into the middle that they create a uni-boob.

Back in the day when I was young, girls stuffed other stuff in their bras to achieve the look of bigger breasts – toilet paper for the the more modest effect and gym socks for the maximum effect.  I guess those days are over.  Which makes me hopeful for one final explanation of why these bra pads are at the dollar store…perhaps, women are beyond bra pads and are happy to just be what they naturally are – be it a AA or a FFF cup (or anything in-between) – as long as they are healthy and capable of carrying them around without back strain.  Perhaps as a society we have come to realize that a woman is more than just a set of breasts.  Could it be that we have evolved?

Or perhaps the rubber in the inflatable pads caused a rash…that may be more plausible than evolution.  The bottom line is – if you are looking to increase your cup size on the cheap, get to Dollar Discount before they sell out.  And take my advice, buy a back-up pair just in case.

Day one thousand three hundred and forty-eight of the new forty – obla di obla da

Ms. C

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